Lapper turns the iconic Dorothy into a cynical rump roaster!
But seriously... when you were in Oz, you didn't corrupt any of those innocent lil' munchkins, did you?
Fox | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 2:44 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I knew I wasn't alone! That Glinda and here moralising ways. Why I oughta...(*shakes fist*)
Seriously though you've made my morning, that just cracked me up.
Ibetolis | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 5:54 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope Miss Gulch is on that list as well. I realize we're in Kansas, but can you really get a court order to destroy a little dog? Let me see this "court order," hey this isn't a court order, it's a deli order -- for a reuben with extra sauerkraut! You're goin down lady, where's my sickle?
Adam Ross | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 6:58 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fox - I was in Oz a couple of years ago and haven't made it back since. I've been studying witchcraft and wizardry so that I may take on Glinda in an epic battle of good versus evil when I return. She may seem innocuous but her powers are formidable. I just hope the Scarecrow (by the way his given name is Frank Jeffries, we called him Frankie) hasn't totally ruined the Emerald City with his self serving agricultural policies of using all surplus wheat for backup stuffing for himself.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 8:04 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ibetolis - Glinda just likes toying with people. I've discovered that about her. I found out through correspondence with the Lion (pretty good writer actually) that she had placed bets with other witches as to whether I'd be killed or not on my journey. Damn her eyes.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 8:08 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adam - She really thought I'd fall for that. Later she said she had a court order to destroy me. Please. I was like, "Let me see it," and she was all, "Oh you know, it says the usual 'Take Jonathan out back, destroy him.'" Anyway she's not so bad anymore. She and Professor Marvel hooked up and now she travels the state selling snake oil to people. Turns out she's a natural.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 8:13 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jonathan, when she called them ruby slippers, that should have been your first clue Glinda was up to no good. Slippers backless and made of terrycloth. If you go back again, watch out. I hear that she's wired them. One click together and you'll be another fairytale--Humpty Dumpty!
Marilyn Ferdinand | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 9:14 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jonathan, I have just one question: how often do you wear ruby slippers and where do you go when you do? 'Cause it's created a image in my head that I'll have to drink heavily and long to erase.
Rick | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 9:36 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't worry Marilyn I'll be ready. I've already memorized several incantations that prevent people from forcing uncomfortable footwear on you. I also bought a "Now People Can't Force Shoes on Your Feet" charm at Spencer's. And it glows in the dark!
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 10:04 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rick, you've got to pay better attention. They were forced on me by that evil succubus Glinda. See, I don't actually wear them. But if I did, to answer your question, I'd go to your house and we could drink together.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 10:08 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to Oz once. I had a pretty good time, actually.
bill | | Email | 08.11.08 - 11:01 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jonathan - Could you send that charm to Sarah Jessica Parker and the editors of Elle, Harper's Bizarre, Marie Claire and Vogue? Steve Madden, Analeigh Anastasio, Christian Lacroix, Christian Louboutin, Manolo Blahnik, and Jimmy Choo have been trying to break her neck and ours for years.
Marilyn Ferdinand | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 11:05 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill - Figures. I kept hearing Glinda mutter something about "My man Bill should find this funny..."
Well next time you see Glinda tell her I'm going to have the last laugh.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 11:44 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marilyn - I'm on it. I'm sending Spencers catalogs to all of them.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 11:45 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I love this. I really love this.
I love movies that have worked themselves into the fold forever and we have dismissed obvious holes such as this to make way for a flowery story.
I wrote about Uncle Joe from Wily Wonka and how he couldn't walk or help the family until Charlie got that damn golden ticket. And then Presto! And what really should have happened is that the Mom should have slapped ole Grandpa Joe around for laying around on his ass all day - but instead they send him to Wonka's factory.
Anyway, I love this.
Piper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 11:52 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Piper - If it makes you feel any better, Grandpa Joe made his way to Oz and Glinda pulled the same stunt on him. I came upon his shrivelled corpse about halfway through my journey, just after finding the Tin Man. Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West had come upon him in the forest and fried him for his shoes. The apple trees told me Glinda had forced a pair of high heel strap up sandals on him and he simply couldn't outrun her. Poor bastard.
That Glinda - Jesus she's evil.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 12:24 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've stocked up on your favorite drink (Absinthe, natch) and laid out the yellow-brick carpet. Come on down. Scratch that, skip on down.
Rick Olson | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 1:08 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On my way. Mind if I bring the Tin Man (Elliot Ironsides). His heart's broken again and I think he just wants to drown his sorrows.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 1:17 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wily Wonka? Is he the crafty, bizarro version of Willy?
And did you know that Elliot Ironsides is Michael Ironside's father?
And... I also bet you didn't know that Piper had a ceiling poster of Michael Ironside when he was in college. He used to talk to it.
Fox | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 2:47 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fox
Yes he is.
No, I didn't know that. That's quite a DNA split from metal to flesh.
No, didn't know that either... but that could come in handy some day. Unfortunately not handy enough for my battle with Glinda.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 3:04 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fox,
You sumbitch. I knew that after I typed Wily that I had it wrong and I hoped for all hope against hope that no one would catch it.
And not only do I have a poster of Ironside, I actually have an evolution of Ironside's career from when he played a pimp in Summer's Children to his didn't win an Oscar because the Oscars are so political that they can't realize how brilliant he was as Jean Rasczak in Starship Troopers.
Piper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 3:13 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man... you are really focused on Glinda right now. I respect that.
Fox | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 3:18 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Micheal Ironside was also in Free Willy or was that Free Wily?
Oh... and here is the poster Piper had. OOPS!!! That's the wrong one!!! Here it is : that's Piper on Ironside's right
Fox | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 3:37 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's a little advice for your return trip.
Make sure you always wind Tick-Tock ALL the way up.
The Wheelers only look terrifying with their heads down.
People from Oz turn into GREEN knick-knacks.
BRING. A. CHICKEN.
Scott | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 3:37 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fox - I have to be, it's all about the payback.
Scott - Thanks for the helpful tips, I couldn't do this without you. I'll make sure I bring you back something from the Emerald City Visitor Center Gift Shop. Maybe a snowglobe.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 3:39 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fox, you old space pirate.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 3:43 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is literally the funniest thing I've ever read.
I can't stop reading it. Seriously, help me...because I can't stop reading it.
Alexandra | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 5:53 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fox,
Nice try, but my cheek-bones are a little more defined and a I'm a little more serious than that dude.
Wait, isn't this post about Wizard of Oz and that terrible bitch Gllinda? That second L was for you Fox.
Piper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 6:11 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alexandra - I'd like to help you but I want you to read it over and over and over until it is clear to you that you need to go with me on my return trip to defeat Glinda. Someone with your talent could distract her long enough for me to catch her with her guard down. Next tornado that lifts my house into the air I'm giving you a call.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 7:03 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Piper, Fox - Remember: the common enemy is Glinda. She's doing this to both of you from afar. She's laughing at how you have taken the bait. She's already laying down money on which of you will be the next Grandpa Joe. Don't fall for it. Unite against Glinda NOW!
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 7:04 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know what your post just brought to mind, Jonathan? Bob Newhart doing Abner Doubleday invents baseball. "They do what? Run around, what, bases? Heh heh heh. Call me when you've got something for two or three couples."
Marilyn | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 7:39 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Damn Piper, you are one good looking guy. I saw that picture and...
What? That's not you? Uh...Oh. Um, you might want to ignore that email I sent you then...And definitely don't look at that JPG attachment. And if you do look at it, that's not me. I swear I don't own anything in leopard skin.
Damn you Glinda!
Bob Turnbull | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 7:44 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marilyn - I love Bob Newhart's old comedy bits. I've always loved the Abner Doubleday one. And his King Kong one too would be a precursor to my public scolds. Here I was being influenced by him and I didn't even know it.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 7:46 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob - Glinda's powers of manipulation are impressive. In Oz I witnessed firsthand a horrifying event as she toyingly turned the Lullaby League against the Lollipop Guild just before I left. There she was, safe in her bullet proof bubble giggling away as I tried desperately to tell those little guys and gals that they didn't really hate each other. Before I knew it someone pulled a knife and... I can't tell you the rest, the memories are too painful.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.11.08 - 7:50 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jonathan -
You are so right! I offer a truce to Piper... Bros before Hos, and Bros before Illiteracy.
Also. Is it possible that Glinda sent Alexandra here to get you to drop your guard? Nothing can rattle us dorky bloggers more than a compliment from a lady.
Fox | | Email | Homepage | 08.12.08 - 12:20 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alexandra works only for the forces of good. Now Bill on the other hand.
Anyone else notice he's only commented once - and it was all about how he had no problems in Oz. Like he's trying to feel us out. And how Glinda has a tatoo of Bill on her THIGH! That last part I'm just guessing.
Jonathan Lapper | | Email | Homepage | 08.12.08 - 10:43 am | #
